Fear

Fear is often totally irrational! I am currently filled with irrational fear! Can I do anything to stop the things I am afraid of? Nope! Katie is in her MRI and I am scared, do I have anything to really be afraid of... no. There are the could happens, but all unlikely. And does my worry and fear help anything, NO. Will it stop anything, NO. So, I sit in this tiny little closet of a waiting room on my knees praying for no surprises and for God to hold her now while I can't. I pray for God to protect my kids because I can't. Yes, I would stand strong, take a bullet and do whatever it takes, but if I am dead or elsewhere I have no control, no power, no ability to protect my children. We can't huddle over and protect them every second of everyday. But we can pray in every waking moment and pray for those moments when we are unable to pray.
My bottom line of faith is I believe for many, many good reasons that God exists, but if you are on the fence ask yourself where do babies go when they die, do you think we all cease to exist and this life is meaningless and our lives are that insignificant. I don't think so, babies go to heaven, their short lives have great purpose! I know my life has purpose. I was not put here to meet my needs and take care of only my loved ones. I was put here to be courageous and to love everyone! Loves takes courage, sometimes more than others. It is hard to love someone when they can hurt you, but anyone can die today and leave a hole in your heart. God will never leave you or forsake you! God draws you close to him through every moment. That is why there is a hole in your heart, things can't fill it and people can't fill it, people will fail you, people will die, people chose to stop loving, people make bad choices- GOD is perfect!! GOD is meant to fill that hole. Every person has an innate feeling of their is something bigger, and I do more than hope there is. I know there is more to this world!! I love you no matter what you believe, but I look forward to heaven! I look forward to more!! So I love to my utmost now and will continue but not for recognition but for God, Jesus and heaven!  And I will cast my cares and my fears on Him who is in control!
Love you!!!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts for Katie! She didn't seem to miss a beat between her left hand working to its current state of paralysis. She just kept on moving forward and joyfully took on the next mountain. But my heart hurts, it aches so bad. To see over two years of hard work, therapy and play disappear overnight is heart wrenching.  Words can not express the sadness. I watch her play in her clubhouse and though she still climbs the ladder and has loads of fun I see her trying to climb the rock wall and climb up the slide,  hang from the bars, and swing on the swings and though she could do these on November 4th and before now she can no longer do them. I am at a loss for words other than my heart hurts. Having to restart at square one of therapy after two years the thought alone is exhausting. I know how much hard work it took to get her to graduating therapy because she was (still is) doing so awesome!! We graduated to once a month monitoring in September and now are back to more therapies than before.  Three Occupational therapy appointments, two physical therapy appointments, and one vision therapy.
I just wanted to honestly express my heartache and struggle. But God is good and faithful! We will survive stronger than before, but though I have peace my heart still hurts deeply!
Thank you! LOVE YOU!!

Scared!

Frightened beyond all reason, but I am trusting God! I have wanted to speak at Coffee Break for years and I finally have my chance! I was sooo excited... Until I got a date then I freaked out. Well, only a little, I gave it over to God and am working really hard to leave it with Him. It is crazy for me to have wanted to do it. I am quiet, shy, reserved socially, a nice wallflower and forget speaking in front of people. I love to talk behind words, Facebook, letters, cards, blogs. I have time to process and place my words and thoughts carefully. But my brain to mouth transmissions come out awkward or don't come out at all. I am working on being more outgoing and am taking huge steps, but fear lingers. So, I keep praying and God keeps prompting me and leads me. Now I find myself preparing to talk about me in front of many people or at least I hope. :) For what seems like forever. So I am scared, but I will do it and I will glorify God! I am only worthy because of Him!

I hope you can join me at Coffee Break at Whittier Area Community Church on October 24th at 7 pm.
I am praying I won't disappoint you! :) Thanks! Love you!!

Tell them NOW

A wonderful friend of mine past away this week, and I feel truly blessed that just last week I sent her a card. I told her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how amazing she is, I told her to lean on God for comfort. Little did I know that would be my last communication to her. But I told her what I thought of her and how much I loved her when she was here. I said everything I would have said at her funeral to her when she was still here. I was in denial of her passing. I guess I still kind of am. She was too young, too kind and nice, she was on Facebook last week, she can not be gone. But she is. It breaks my heart, but I have peace that she knows how much I loved her and why. I want to commit to telling people now, today, in this moment, how much I love them and why!!! I challenge you to do the same!! Do not save it for the memorial, tell them NOW!!!!!!

A Living Sacrifice to God - Romans 12

Romans 12

A Living Sacrifice to God
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”
says the Lord.
20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.”
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.


Romans is one of my favorite books of the Bible!! It touches on so many different areas with specific instructions! Don't just pretend to love others! Really love them. Help all people EVEN your enemies. Pray for blessings upon your enemies (really?!? It is very hard, but get creative especially to start, I've prayed for Hearts to be blessed, so the person is transformed or that they were financially blessed so I could be repaid.)
Baby steps, love better the easy people then start working to love the harder people! Fake it till you make it real works. If you do loving acts then you can be changed from the inside out!
Work hard, work enthusiastically, encourage others, follow your gifts and judge yourself fairly! Work for God in everything you do- cleaning house, making dinner, caring for children or aging parents, taking care of your marriage, your day job, and all those insignificant tasks that seem to suck the life and energy from you! Do it for the Lord and see if it changes you! It is a process I have to remind myself continually as I do another load of laundry, dishes or pick up for the twentieth time that day! But I do feel better overall, I feel more peace, rest and joy!
I love you and I pray for you!!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!
Today in church we talked about letting go of the past and moving forward in 2012.  I had to think about what I might be holding on to.  I can't just let go of what happened to Katie because it is part of her journey, but I realized I can let go of my worry! I try very hard not to worry, but it is a unlovely human trait.  Also, I need to let go of my exhaustion.  I am tired! Constantly tired! When I give you a run down of my days and weeks it is easy to see why, but I give myself little grace because I know people handle so much more. That leads me to let go of my desire to be as good as everyone else looks.
  We all see the warm fuzzies of each other. Oh, look she keeps her house so clean! Oh, she always looks so beautiful! Oh, she is always so organized. She has so much on her plate and handles everything perfectly.  She works 50 hours a week and can still do it all.  She has so many kids and still has time to help and volunteer.  What we don't see is how hard they work, or how often they break down or the help they receive, or that 90% of the time they are not perfect but can put on a great show.  We didn't see how they were raised or what there personal struggles are. They may look beautiful and perfect but see themselves as ugly.  They may work so hard to never feel that they are doing enough.  What I desire is to push myself, but to be at peace with my weakness and limitation, and yet always strive to do better.  I need to lean more on God since He works best through our weaknesses.  "I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength."  "This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it!"  I need to hold on to those verses as I start this new year.  I need to lean on God for my strength and find the joy in each day!
      Happy New Year!!      What can you leave behind this year?!?

Tears

I can't stop crying, well, I do then I start up again. I just started thinking of when Katie was in the NICU, longest 16 days of my life. If she had been my first born, I do not know if I would have left the hospital much at all! But with an almost two year old who had never spent the night away from me until I went into labor waiting for me! The feeling I had every time I left the hospital was I was forgetting something. The pain of having to leave her over and over again. Longest 16 days ever with usually at least 4 trips to and from the hospital. I am amazed at the process of grief, of grieving "what should of been". My heart and soul goes out to those who lost a child, a spouse, or anyone in a manner of not "how it should of been". I am at peace with Katie and what happened and why. BUT that doesn't stop my heart from hurting!! I hurt for those who don't get to take their child home from the hospital at any age! I am sorry!! Compared to that my tears seem petty, but I allow myself grace to feel my feelings and hope I can continue to use my experience to help others. May the tears come in waves as I grieve and give thanks for Katie's life and her recovery! I thank God daily for her progress!!! I reflect to last year this time all Katie did was sit up. She has come a very long way!!
Thank you God!! Thank you for being with Katie when I wasn't. Thank you for being with me on each drive to and from the hospital. Thank you for being faithful in this long journey which is only the beginning!! Thank you God!!