Fear

Fear is often totally irrational! I am currently filled with irrational fear! Can I do anything to stop the things I am afraid of? Nope! Katie is in her MRI and I am scared, do I have anything to really be afraid of... no. There are the could happens, but all unlikely. And does my worry and fear help anything, NO. Will it stop anything, NO. So, I sit in this tiny little closet of a waiting room on my knees praying for no surprises and for God to hold her now while I can't. I pray for God to protect my kids because I can't. Yes, I would stand strong, take a bullet and do whatever it takes, but if I am dead or elsewhere I have no control, no power, no ability to protect my children. We can't huddle over and protect them every second of everyday. But we can pray in every waking moment and pray for those moments when we are unable to pray.
My bottom line of faith is I believe for many, many good reasons that God exists, but if you are on the fence ask yourself where do babies go when they die, do you think we all cease to exist and this life is meaningless and our lives are that insignificant. I don't think so, babies go to heaven, their short lives have great purpose! I know my life has purpose. I was not put here to meet my needs and take care of only my loved ones. I was put here to be courageous and to love everyone! Loves takes courage, sometimes more than others. It is hard to love someone when they can hurt you, but anyone can die today and leave a hole in your heart. God will never leave you or forsake you! God draws you close to him through every moment. That is why there is a hole in your heart, things can't fill it and people can't fill it, people will fail you, people will die, people chose to stop loving, people make bad choices- GOD is perfect!! GOD is meant to fill that hole. Every person has an innate feeling of their is something bigger, and I do more than hope there is. I know there is more to this world!! I love you no matter what you believe, but I look forward to heaven! I look forward to more!! So I love to my utmost now and will continue but not for recognition but for God, Jesus and heaven!  And I will cast my cares and my fears on Him who is in control!
Love you!!!

My heart hurts

My heart hurts for Katie! She didn't seem to miss a beat between her left hand working to its current state of paralysis. She just kept on moving forward and joyfully took on the next mountain. But my heart hurts, it aches so bad. To see over two years of hard work, therapy and play disappear overnight is heart wrenching.  Words can not express the sadness. I watch her play in her clubhouse and though she still climbs the ladder and has loads of fun I see her trying to climb the rock wall and climb up the slide,  hang from the bars, and swing on the swings and though she could do these on November 4th and before now she can no longer do them. I am at a loss for words other than my heart hurts. Having to restart at square one of therapy after two years the thought alone is exhausting. I know how much hard work it took to get her to graduating therapy because she was (still is) doing so awesome!! We graduated to once a month monitoring in September and now are back to more therapies than before.  Three Occupational therapy appointments, two physical therapy appointments, and one vision therapy.
I just wanted to honestly express my heartache and struggle. But God is good and faithful! We will survive stronger than before, but though I have peace my heart still hurts deeply!
Thank you! LOVE YOU!!